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Santa and Banta jokes

Santa Singh - Banta Singh Jokes

US Assignment!!
Santa Singh and Banta Singh got a US software assignment. After reaching US both were staying in the same building. Santa on the first floor and Banta on the thirty fifth floor. One day the elevators were not working. Banta decided to tease Santa and he invited Santa on the phone for Sarson da Saag and Makke di Roti. When Santa reached the 35th floor using the stairs he was cheesed off to see a note on the door saying "How was the journey !!" Seeing this Santa got extremely annoyed and decided to take revenge. He put another note saying " Boss i cannot make it today!!!"

Sardar's Misadventure
> >There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business. >They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally >decided >to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and >built the hotel. The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first >customer. The sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up. The story >was the same the next day. A week passed but noboby turned up. >WHY ? -B'cos there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed." >After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto >garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon >started >the garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive >but no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week >but no car came to their garage. >WHY ? - B'cos their garage was on the first floor. > >After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi >driving. They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began >to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed >their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. >They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed >their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but >alas no one hailed their taxi. >WHY ? - B'cos all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi. > >All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided >to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing >their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the >taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and >start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi >just wouldnt move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt >budge. >WHY ? B'cos two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind. > > > >

Santa Goes to heaven
Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta singh stood beside the bed,santa Singh's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Santa used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Banta singh thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Banta singh was visting Santa's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Santa died. "You know," he said, "Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Santa, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

santa & banta ji
Subject: Banta Singh Bloomers! * Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It read "Padne waala gadha."(one who reads it is an ass.) Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back,"Likhne waala gadha."(One who wrote it is an ass). ------------------------------------------------------------------ …..

Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes."What is the matter today? asked her husband. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone." "I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh. -------------------------------

----------------------------------- * Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. "They should noT put up such misleading notices,"said Banta Singh." It said , "FINE FOR PARKING HERE." ------------------------------------------------------------------ *

A haryanavi peasant came to the office of The Hindustan Times to place an advertisement announcing his father's death. "The rate is Rs. 360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him. "Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the haryanavi. "My father was 182 cms tall." ------------------------------------------------------------------ *

Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach : Sardarji 1 :Praaji , Ise 'beach' kyo kaheete hai ? Sardarji 2 : Tumhe nahe pata ? Sardarji 1 : Nahe pata. Sardarji 2 : Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai . ---------------------

--------------------------------------------- * Rajsi complained to his friend about his wife ' My wife never agrees with anything I say. And we have been married for six years .' Mrs Rajsi intervened, ' Not six we have been married for seven years ! ' ---------------------------

--------------------------------------- * A Sardarji, very proud of his humour used to say to his wife leaving for the office : 'Good bye Char Bacchon ki Maa' . One day his wife fed up of this answered : ' Bye Bye, Doo Bacchon Ke Baap'. That ended the husband's witticisms. –

----------------------------------------------------------------- * Teacher : If we breath oxygen in the daytime, what do we breath at night? Pupil :Nitrogen? ------------------------------------------------------------------ * Mrs Kartar had bought a beautiful sweater for her husband . She sent it to her husband by parcel post along with a note. The note said : 'The buttons of the sweater are removed since they where too heavy and added to the postage . You will find them in the right hand pocket of the sweater . -----------------------------------------

------------------------- * Avtar & Kartar used to stay in same building . Avtar on the Ground floor & Kartar on the 25thfloor. One day when the lift was not working, Kartar invited Avtar for a Dinner. Avtar trudged up to 25th floor to find Kartar's flat closed from outside and had a note which read : 'How did you enjoy your dinner ? ' Not to be outdone , Avtar wrote under it , ' Sorry , I could not make it . ' -------------------------------------------

----------------------- * Banta showed his plam to a palmist . He examined the lines on Banta's hand & said,'A beautiful girl will come into your life, but be very careful.' 'Why should I have to be careful?' asked Banta. 'She should be careful of her life. I drive a Redline bus!' ------------------------------------------------------------------ *

Santa Singh & Banta Singh had strong reservations against the Mandal Commission's recommendations. They found an ingenious way to get round them. Santa Singh's daughter, Manjeet married Banta Singh's son, Diljit. They named their grandson Mandal Jeet.

------------------------------------------------------------------ * Banta Singh went to eat in ramshackle hotel. To his surprise the waiter who came to serve him happened to be one of his classmate at school. Banta called him and said 'Aren't you ashamed of working in a seedy joint like this?' 'Not at all,' replied the classmate. 'I would be ashamed if I ate my meal here. I only work in this place.' ---------------------------------------------------------------

* 'Take me to the 10th floor,' said Banta Singh as he entered the lift of a high rise bulding. When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its gates and said, 'The 10th floor, beta.' 'Why did you call me beta?' demanded Banta Singh. D'I am not your son.' I called you beta because I brought you up,' replied the liftman. -------------------------

----------------------------------------- * Santa Singh got his promotion and become an officer in Punjab Government. To keep up with his status, he decided to speak only in English to all his subordinates. One morning, his peon peeped through the door to see if his boss was busy. Santa Singh noticed him and shouted, 'Why are you outstanding! Please income.' ------------------------------------------------------------------ *

The collector asked Banta Singh for his rail ticket. Banta Singh searched his pockets but could not find it. 'Never mind,' reassured the collector, ' I will take your word that you bought your ticket.' 'That is very kind of you,' replied Banta Singh,'but if I don't find it, I want to know where to get off.' ------------------------------------------------------------------

Sardarji ( to doctor ) : 'Doctor, I have a problem.' Doctor : 'What's your problem?' Sardarji : 'I keep forgetting things.' Doctor : 'Since when do you have this problem?' Sardarji : 'What problem?' ------------------------------------------------------------------ *

Banta owned a large factory. He issued orders that only married men would be employed. When his friend Santa asked him the reason, Banta replied, 'Married men are more obedient.' -------------------------------------------------------------------

Letter from mother to son Santa Singh. Pyare Puttar, Vahe Guru. I am writing this letter slow, because I know you can't read fast. We do not live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they would not have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I am notsure it works too well. Last week I put 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since then. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained 3 days, and the second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. We got another bill from the funeral home. It said if we don't make the last payment on grandma's funeral, he will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery . Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle Jatinder fell in a whisky vat. Some men tried pulling him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burnedfor three days. There is not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. LoveMom. P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Great Sardarjee
sardarji !! 1. A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Rajasthan,but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai" ( = "he picks up the receiver and then says he is not at home"

2. This sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai" Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "

4. Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun" --

Two horses
Santa and Banta had just bought two horses.Now the problem was that they could not differenciate between the two horses.So,one day Santa cuts the left ear of his horse, so that it is easy to know that it is his horse.While doing so,an enemy of Santa looks at him.This enemy also cuts the left ear of banta.By doing so santa and banta come in confusion to differenciate. So, next thing santa keeps on cutting his horse's right ear , then his tail , then makes him blind and so on .And the enemy also kept on doing so with banta's horse.At last Santa's horse had no legs left and banta's horse was with one leg only .The enemy also went and cut banta's horse one leg. So, in the morning it was the same sitaution , How to diffrenciate thier horses.So, after thinking and putting lots of effort to thier mind - Santa said - O.K You keep the black one and i will keep the white .

mano ya na mano
santa singh and banta singh were found playing chess.
Submitted by : ROHIT MOHINDRU

the tunnel joke
.......... Everybody knows the famous under creek/sea tunnel joining England and France. Before it's construction, the tenders were invited from various construction companies by giving newspaper ads throughout the world. Banta Singh came across one such ad and he decided to fill the tender. On the day of opening the tenders everybody was surprised to find Banta Singh's tender at it's very lowest. Ohere tenders were quoting billions of pounds, Banta Sing had offered to do the job for just 10000 pounds. Now , as per the rule Banta was to get the contract. Before giving works order to Banta Singh, the officer asked BantaSingh as to how he could afford to work at such a low budget. Banta Singh said,"look, back home, there is my brother, Santa Singh.I will call him here. We will take two shovels. I will start diging from English bank and Santa Singh will start digging from French bank. The moment we meet, you get a tunnel." The dumbstruck officer asked with courage," and if you don't meet?" Banta Singh replied," then you will get two tunnels in same cost."

A sardarji was traveling in a train. He was set between all the chickens and womens. He quickly became tired. He felt to make a complaint. His complaint was that "there should not be any last departments on the train."

laugh it over
Santa Singh & Banta Singh had strong reservations against the Mandal Commission's recommendations. They found an ingenious way to get round them. Santa Singh's daughter, Manjeet married Banta Singh's son, Diljit. They named their grandson Mandal Jeet.

laugh it over
To: All Internet Users From: Kim Dereksen Interconnected Network Maintenance staff Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology Subject: Internet Cleaning PLEASE PASS THIS NOTICE TO OTHER USERS WHO MAY NOT SEE IT! As many of you know, each year the internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead e-mail and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better-working and faster internet. This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 1 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 2. During that 24-hour period, five very powerful Japanese built multi-lingual internet-crawling robots (Toshiba ML-2274) situated around the world will search the internet and delete any data that they find. In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following: 1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their internet connections. 2. Shut down all internet servers, or disconnect them from the internet. 3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to the internet. 4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the internet in any way. 5. Avoid placing operating microwave ovens or toaster/toaster ovens near your computer modem. 6. Avoid wearing nylon (or other dielectric fiber) undergarments because of the possibility of electrical discharge. We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconvenience will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam. We thank you for your cooperation. Kim Dereksen Interconnected Network Maintenance staff Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology Sysops and others: Since the last internet cleaning, the number of internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the public of the upcoming internet cleaning by posting this message where your users will be able to read it. Please pass this message on to other sysops and internet users as well. Thank you.

laugh it over
How to disable the modem speaker As posted to comp.unix.sco.misc. On Tue, 27 Oct 1998 12:31:55 GMT, Tom Parsons wrote: >Mark Alliban enscribed: >| How can I disable the modem whirring when a client dials in to OSR5? My >| computer is rack-mounted and will be placed in Telehouse so it should >| attract as little attebtion as possible to avoid being used as a coffee >| stand/pen holder. >Preferred: Read the modem manual, find the codes to turn off the speaker and set them in the modem's NVRAM. > >Alternate: Rip all of the pages out of the manual and wrap them around the modem. Unix Solution: cu -l /dev/ttyXX -s 38400 dir ATZ (soft reset to NV settings) OK ATM0 (turn off the speaker) OK AT&W (save settings to NV RAM) OK ~. If you're using the atdialer, edit the file: /usr/spool/uucp/default/your_modem and change the modem init string to include "M0." Hardware Solution: Open the modem with a screwdriver or can opener. Cut one wire going to the loudspeaker. Reassemble modem with remaining screws or duct tape (whichever is more convenient). Software Solution: RTFM the printed manual and select several pages of technobabble to sacrifice. Rip out these pages and shove into the modem speaker. Wrap with duct tape. Hacker Solution: Find ice pick. Stab speaker until dead. Note: This may void your warranty. MSDOS/Windoze Solution: It's a feature, not a bug. The noise is there for your own good. We know what's good for you. This feature will be fixed in the next release. NT Solution: Run reg32edt and add the undocumented key to: HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINESystemCurrentControlSetServicesClassModem0001AlmostThereDontGiveUpNowInit as: TurnOffTheStupidSpeaker=1 Kid's Solution: Position modem with speaker facing upward. Pour pancake syrup into speaker. This will greatly reduce the high frequency response of the speaker thus attenuating the sound. Programmers Solution: Download the complete Rockwell command set from the modem manufacturer's site and use the bit mapped register functions to disable the speaker. Be sure that the warranty is still active as one mistake may also disable the modem. Policital solution: Call the modem manufacturer and demand that they supply you with a modem that defaults with the speaker turned off. If they refuse, sue them for noise pollution. Fast Solution: Take two needles, two clip leads and a 12volt battery. Observe that the leads of the speaker coil are visible through the grill where they are glued to the cone. Puncture these points with the needles and apply 12volts. The speaker coil will fuse open. Dealer Solution: What you need is the new Fire-Belcher 2000 wiz bang modem with the built in speaker phone and voice command recognition. Just yell at the modem and the speaker will turn off. The ILEC Solution: Noisy modems are a side effect of ancient POTS technology. What you need is ISDN which has no dialtone, touchtones, or obnoxious noises. Just sign here.

laugh it over
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. Lucifer: That was Bill Gates! Why did you give him the best place of all? Satan: That's what everyone thinks! Lucifer: What about the PC? Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 95! And it's missing three keys! Lucifer: Which three? Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete!

gru way groooo, hoya pyar shru, udhi rati honda toro toro. (song)


Banta Singh is walking down the street and a Gora asks him "Can you please show me where the Post Office is" Banta Singh not knowing much English doesnt know how to say "follow me and I will show you where the Post Office is" instead he says to the Gora " I go first you come reverse, I show you Post Office.

Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time he tries to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn." He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not going for the blood shed still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts singing a lullaby and says "so ja machchar, bete so ja (Goto sleep, O dear mosquito, goto sleep)". After some time he finds the mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says "Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."

air travel
One sardu was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane.He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array.But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat.But the sardaji told:"I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave". The old lady then complained to the air hostess .The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat.But sardarji was adament and did not leave.Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt.He also came and requested,but in vain.Finally the Captain came.He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji,and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished,the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt afterwards what he told to the sardarji.Capt. told :"nothing.Ijust told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh.All others will go to Jalandhar."

no formalities
Elizabeth Taylor once boarded a plane. Everybody around greeted her. Since the plane was crowded she had difficulty in finding a seat. She saw our Sardar Balwinder Singh who was sitting next to a vacant seat.She went up to him and introduced herself saying in her cool sexy voice, "Hi, I am Elizabeth Taylor... Liz to you." Balwinder was bewildered but immediately responded, "Hi I am Balwinder .. Balls to you."

The sick joke
Once there was a kavi sammelan(poets gathering) to be held in delhi but the poets fall sick. The organisers get in a jam and in desperation they ask the audience to come up on to the podium and narrate jokes. Four people, a Bengali, an American, a South Indian and a Sikh volunteer. The Bengali comes up first and says the following poem in his own style:- Naa shikwa karenge naa gila karenge, aap salaamat rahe yeh dua karenge. The Bengali says" Na suka korega na geela korega, tum saala mat raho yeh dua korega. The American has to say "bade sajh dhajh ke mere ghar se mera zanaza nikla par woh na nikle jinke liye mera zanaza nikla"The american says"bade sajh dhajh ke mere ghar se mera janana nikla par woh na nikle jinke liye mera janana nikla"The south indian has to say"Ishq ne humko nikamma kar diya Ghalib varna hum bhi aadmi the kaam ke"he says"ai-ai-yo!!! ishq ne humko tikona kar diya Galib, warna hum bhi aadmi chaukor the. The Sikh suffering from forgetfulness has a habit of saying the first line properly but forgeting the next. So he always keeps a secretary with him. He recites"Chand honda tare honde.....Chand honda tare honde....Chand honda tare honde. He looks towards his secretary to bail him out. But the secretary forgets too. His wife sitting in the front row with their eighteen kids out of impatience says"Aage bhee to dusso", the sardarji getting inspiration says"oye soniyo, tu naa hondi to ye saare na honde".
Santa's ferrari
Santa singh shows up at his friend Banta Singh's Place in a Brand New - Red Ferarri. Banta: Wow Banta, ke gaddi hai (What a car)Kithon laiye (where did you get it from) Santa:Main highway te lift mung reha se ... Gori Mem aaee te meine kende "want a ride Mr. Singh" I hopped in, and she took me to the woods. Once in woods she got outside took off clothes and said to me "Mr Singh. take anything" Banta is quite excited and asks "tu ke keeta Santa " Santa: Mian gaddi lai layee. (I took the car) Banta: Changa keeta - kapde tenu fit bhi nahi aane se (good show - you wouldn't have fit into her clothes)
Side A -Side B
Once Santa Singh and Banta Singh were going in a jungle, Suddenly they saw one tiger comming towards them. To save themselves they climbed a tree and both sat on one branch. The tiger came under the tree and sat down. Santa told Banta " Yaar just to pass Time Why don't you sing some song" Banta Singh started to sing. After singing four songs Banta hanged upside down on the branch and then again sung four songs. After singing all the songs he Banta came back to his original position. Santa asked curiosly "Yaar Bantya, You sung four songs sitting in upright position and next four songs you sat upside down, Why did you do that?" Banta told " Yaar First four songs were from side A and the other four were from Side B"

Once a Lover told her Girlfriend : Tere Pyar Mein Mere Baap Ne Mujhe Pita Tere Pyar Mein Mere Baap Ne Mujhe Pita. Tere Pyar Mein Mere Baap Ne Mujhe Pita. His Girl Friend Replied; Tan Ki Shakti, Man Ki Shakti, BOURNVITA.

Submitted by : kanhaiya ji

Sweet Revenge
Santa Singh told his wife that after his death she should marry Banta Singh. "But why should I marry Banta who is your enemy no 1" enquired his wife. Santa quipped, "Oh Darling, this is the only way I can take my revenge from that useless fellow. Ha! Ha! Ha1
Kele ka Chilka
Santa Singh was walking down the street when he saw a banana peel on the roadside. He exclaimed in disgust."saala!!! aaj phir girna padega!!!! (damn!!! i have to fall again today!!)
Banta singh was telling his friend,"yesterday my wife and i had a terrible quarrle.i wanted to go to the club& she wanted to go to the movies." Which film did u c ???asked his friend.

The Interview
There was once an interview for the post of a detective. An American, a Greek and our very own sardarji, MR. SANTA SINGH appeared at the interview.At the interview, the American went in first. The officer asked him "Who killled Jesus Christ?" He replied," The Romans of course." The officer thanked him and sent him out. Then the Greek went in and he was asked the same question for which he replied,"The Jews." Then went in Santa Singh. When he was asked the question he replied," Could I have some time to think about it?" The officer told him to come back the next day with his answer. When Mr Santa reached home his wife asked him," Dear, how did the interview go?" Pat came the reply "Great. I think I got the job! I am already investigating a murder."

Writer kanhaiya ji